


just once or a billion times

by softmoss



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: (brief mention of Shinji's mother), (brief mention), (it's THAT scene I'm sorry), Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Falling In Love, Fate, Loneliness, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parent Death, Past Lives, Suicidal Thoughts, based on 3.0 specifically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23622052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softmoss/pseuds/softmoss
Summary: At the end of the world, they look at the stars."....He took the burden to save his friend’s soul from being lost. Isn’t that love?”Shinji finds himself struck with Kaworu’s earnestness. He thinks about it, and nods slowly.“I see what you mean.”“I would do the same for you,” Kaworu says.The breeze delicately ruffles Shinji’s hair.“I would,” he repeats softly.Shinji looks at him,Kaworu, beautiful, pale as a star.(A canon-compliant story in which scenes from the anime are slightly altered/built upon. After the fourth impact, Kaworu's soul has continued to search for Shinji. In this timeline, they find each other again).
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 13
Kudos: 117





	just once or a billion times

**Author's Note:**

> these are some short stories i wrote, woven together to hopefully make something coherent

* * *

It was evident that the third child, Shinji Ikari, had more trouble adjusting to pilot life than his comrades. Asuka was fueled by her rage, and fought with valor and expertise. Rei was calm, collected, and like a ghost; quiet as she floated by. But Shinji, he hesitated too often, and panicked, and fumbled and fell. But perhaps he had the most heart out of anyone. He had to be strong. He had to prove himself to NERV. He learned to steady himself, slowly, and he tried his best. But he was always fighting his own battles inside. Most of all, he felt lonely.

The world must have sensed this. For, as the battle raged, the Final Angel was sent to Earth. His name was Kaworu. He looked like a human, except for the red eyes and pale white skin. He didn’t know what it meant to hate, but he knew that smiling so often indicated a person’s happiness. Shinji almost believed him to be an illusion, a hologram, but he was real. And he was kind.

They play piano a few times. The first time, Shinji mostly just watches Kaworu play. His fingers glide over the keys smoothly; he does it as easily as breathing. When he persuades Shinji to join him, Shinji’s notes are clunky and the slightest bit ill-timed, but they find a rhythm and pursue it. Kaworu carries the tune, and it sounds beautiful. Shinji can’t stop smiling. He looks up for a moment to find Kaworu’s eyes are closed and his head is tilted back, facing up towards the ceiling, and he’s swaying. He’s swaying to the music.

When it’s over, Kaworu opens his eyes and looks at Shinji.

“You did wonderfully,” he says.

Shinji warms at the praise. “You did most of the work, Nagisa-kun.”

“But you played it with me.”

Shinji rubs his thumb over a key. “Yes...I did.”

“Thank you, Shinji.”

* * *

At the end of the world, they look at the stars. Kaworu is quiet. Shinji glances over at him every so often, watching his eyes study the sky. His eyes are strange. The color of rubies. And he is strange, like a ghost. He is also beautiful. Shinji wonders briefly if, in another world or a better time, they might meet. Shinji turns to face the stars again, tracing the patterns he had learned when he was young. After a while, Kaworu speaks.

“What are you looking at?”

“Cygnus,” Shinji says after a moment. He points towards the constellation, high in the north.

Kaworu’s eyes follow. They linger on Shinji’s hand.

“Do you see it?”

“No. What am I looking for?”

“Well...kind of a cross shape. Start here. This is the body.” Shinji traces the outline of the stars with his finger; vertical, then horizontal. “And these are the wings.”

“The wings?”

Shinji looks back to him. “Yes. It’s a swan.”

“Why is it a swan?”

Shinji pauses in surprise. “Kaworu...don’t you know what constellations are?”

He hopes that the question doesn’t sound offensive. To his relief, Kaworu simply shakes his head.

So, Shinji explains to him how the stars are named from legends. How these legends are ancient, having been kept alive by thousands of people for as long as time. He tells Kaworu the story of Cygnus, the god who gave up his soul in order to retrieve his friend’s lost bones and give him a proper burial.

“He traded his immortality, and the gods memorialized him in the sky there,” Shinji says.

He finds Kaworu gazing up at Cygnus. The reflection of the stars of a dead god shimmer in his eyes. Shinji catches himself mesmerized. Kaworu is silent for what seems like a really long time. Finally, he says:

“Do you believe they were in love?”

Shinji is startled at such a bold question. “What?”

“Cygnus and Phaeton,” Kaworu says.

“No...But I...I supposed they could have been.”

“It seems so,” Kaworu muses.

“How so?”

Kaworu’s gaze slides over Shinji.

“Cygnus was determined to keep diving into the river,” he says. “And he gave up eternal life to die a swan. You said he did it with no hesitation. He took the burden to save his friend’s soul from being lost. Isn’t that love?”

Shinji finds himself struck with Kaworu’s earnestness. He thinks about it, and nods slowly.

“I see what you mean.”

“I would do the same for you,” Kaworu says.

The breeze delicately ruffles Shinji’s hair.

“I would,” he repeats softly.

Shinji looks at him, _Kaworu_ , beautiful, pale as a star. He wants to say, _“I’m afraid to die, Kaworu.”_ Or, _“But we aren’t gods.”_ Or, _“No one has known me but you.”_

Instead, he just smiles his nervous smile and says, “You shouldn’t.”

Kaworu only smiles fondly back at him. Then he rolls over onto his side, leaning his face against his hand.

“People are very romantic beings, with all of their myths and legends.”

Shinji nods. “There are many stories of gods and just as many of monsters. But really...what’s the difference?”

“Are they the same to you, Shinji?”

Contemplating, Shinji raises his palm, flat, up to the night sky. “They’re usually entwined in some way,” he says. He lifts his other hand and links his fingers together. “One story isn’t written without the other.”

Kaworu doesn’t answer. Shinji, obligated by himself to apologize for rambling on, turns back to the Angel. His eyes meet Kaworu’s gaze, and he stops short.

Kaworu regards him with such a tenderness that his pulse stutters.

“Shinji.”

“Yes?” He asks apprehensively.

“Even if this is so,” Kaworu murmurs, “I believe I was born to meet you.”

* * *

_“....Because I’m always thinking of you.”_

It’s horrifying to be so helpless. He’s too caught up in the rush, believing with his whole heart that he could do right by Kaworu, by the world. Why hadn’t he listened? Why hadn’t he realized sooner that something was wrong? The sky is spinning. Shinji is so full of adrenaline that the panic sears through him like lightning. But Kaworu is gentle and calm, always, even when meeting his fate. Shinji blindly slams his fist against the AT field, over and over over, but it does not give. It does not give but he keeps trying anyway, begging for this not to end the way it would. The daggers are aimed at Kaworu’s neck.

_“I would have taken it off of you anyway.”_

Kaworu had known it was going to happen long before it did. He knew all things ended and didn’t. But he hadn’t known that he might regret it. He hadn’t known that there was someone on Earth that would make him happy.

His regret is not for his actions. Those were inevitable. When he had taken the choker from Shinji’s neck, and placed it on his own, he knew then, too. This burden was not on Shinji. He would carry it for him. He would shoulder that horrible weight, if only to protect the one his heart ached for.

In any lifetime, he would have taken it. Like he said he would.

His regret is for the fact that in this particular lifetime, he would not see Shinji again. Kaworu would long for him, even in death. He is grateful that they had met, and he is grateful that, no matter what it takes--

_“We’ll meet again.”_

* * *

Shinji Ikari is just a boy with a chipped tooth and sweaty palms. He is cradled by the loneliness that comes with, well-- his mother having been lost long ago, and his father being so distant as a result. Growing up, he had always felt the sadness that came with history.

His safe haven is a forest a ways from his street. He could go there freely, as his father doesn’t care much. When he is old enough to understand that the reason why his father doesn’t care where he goes is because his father doesn’t care about _him_ at all, he cries at his despair beneath the oak trees until the sky darkens and there are dirt smudges on his knees.

As he grows older, he climbs the trees. He can see the sky, beautiful and blue and forever. He can also see the city in the distance, and beyond that, grand mountains. Occasionally, he looks at the long way down to the forest floor, and the thought of jumping crosses his mind, but is gone as quickly as it appeared. He wants to see the sunset. He doesn’t want to leave.

But maybe he outgrew the forest, or it outgrew him. One day, he just stops going, and that blissful comfort becomes a mere memory.

 _Then--_ he meets Kaworu Nagisa.

It’s the night of the moon-viewing festival. A few of his classmates invite him to tag along out of politeness. The night is warm and alight with chatter, and the streets are filled with people. The sky is swimming with stars. He and his classmates walk around, weaving through the crowd. They stop every few vendors to try their luck at street games. When nearly every attempt turns out to be a loss, they hopelessly whine about it being rigged. Shinji muffles his amusement behind his hand. Eventually, they wander out of the market in search of a place to go next. There’s a short window of time to spare before the moon is at its highest peak.

They finally agree to visit the gardens first, then lastly the Tokyo Tower to have the best view of the moon. The gardens are considerably less crowded. As they round the path, Shinji is distracted and falls behind. He takes in the gardens and the world around him: the trees twining up towards the heavens, and the flowers freshly in full bloom. The lushness of the foliage, the dirt path scattered with pebbles beneath his feet. He remembers a forest he used to visit when he was small.

He stops around the pond, crouching down to watch a group of koi fish. The faint voices of people passing by fade out until he’s completely alone. He closes his eyes and hears nothing. It’s peaceful.

……………..

“......What are you doing?”

His eyes snap open. He looks up to find another boy, a little taller than him, standing between the garden path and the pond’s shore. He’s very pale.

“I’m...just watching the fish,” Shinji says.

The boy smiles. “Your eyes were closed.”

Embarrassed, Shinji gets to his feet and hobbles back from the lake.

“Well, I-,” he flounders, “I was just listening.”

“Oh,” the boy says. “I see. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

He’s looking up at the moon. Shinji glances up momentarily, but his gaze is drawn back. He looks at the boy, seemingly even paler under moonlight. Eyes that shine like rubies.

He can’t stop himself from asking the question.

“Have I met you before?”

“I don’t think so,” the boy says. He looks at Shinji and smiles. “I would have remembered you.”

(What is that supposed to mean??)

Thoughtfully, he adds, “But...perhaps we have. You seem familiar to me as well.”

It’s a funny coincidence. Shinji supposes they must have seen each other in a crowd somewhere.

He offers his name. _Kaworu_ offers his back.

Shinji stands there a little too long. He thinks it impolite to just suddenly leave, and to leave Kaworu alone as well, but he can feel the nervous constricting of his heart.

“I should go back to my friends,” he says. “We’ll be watching from the Tokyo Tower.”

Kaworu smiles gently at him.

“You will have a beautiful view, Shinji.”

Even his voice, even his hands--, pliant and pale at his sides. Shinji’s hand twitches. It is the strangest sense of familiarity. It is overwhelming. It almost makes him feel sick, because there is something he can’t quite piece together. A wound of a question.

“Goodbye, Nagisa-kun.”

The pond ripples softly. carrying the blossoming buds of the water lilies across the surface. The koi fish swim playfully in the blue-green.

“Good night, Shinji.”

They had to have met before, Shinji guesses. (But his soul knows it more than anything).

* * *

Early that next year, in the midst of being very busy (Shinji has just graduated from Junior High) they meet again.

Shinji grows to be quite taken with Kaworu. He’s drawn to him, naturally. Over the course of that year, they fit easily together. They gravitate towards one another. Kaworu is wonderful in every sense of the word, kind even when Shinji stumbles. He makes Shinji feel understood and cared about. And he’s affectionate in a way that makes Shinji flutter. He may as well be the only person Shinji’s ever been closest to. And Kaworu, poor Kaworu, is hopelessly drawn to Shinji.

Shinji knows it’s silly, but he thinks that somehow, the world knew what would make him feel safer than a forest. Something-- someone that would unfold his heart.

It’s a beautiful summer day. The warmth of the sun has soaked into the rocks, and a light and cool breeze sweeps by every so often. This secluded spot they’ve found of the ocean is a sparkling pool. Kaworu looks perfectly in place in the water, a big smile on his face, his hair wet.

“Come swim with me,” Kaworu says.

“I’ll stay here,” Shinji says back.

He sits on the sandy shore, arms wound around his knees. As the waves lull and crash, he can feel the refreshing mist on his skin, cool and pleasant. It’s the nicest he’s felt in a very long time. The closest thing he can compare the feeling to is that of being soundly asleep in his warm bed. Almost instinctively, he leans into the feeling and closes his eyes; he listens to the waves and Kaworu splashing around. His thoughts wander but don’t stray far. For once, he’s here, in this precious moment, and he’s safe. There is no need to worry about the mournful past.

There’s no suffering. He breathes in the salty air. He breathes out.

When he opens his eyes, Kaworu is wading in the shallows. He regards Shinji with quiet wonder.

“Kaworu?” Shinji asks curiously.

“You look happy.”

He wonders how Kaworu always seems to know.

“I am happy,” he says, truthfully. _I am so happy._

“And...you don’t know how to swim.”

Shinji laughs. “That’s not fair, Kaworu. You can’t know everything.”

Kaworu just shrugs his shoulders, hardly hiding his own smile.

“I wouldn’t mind teaching you how.”

Shinji shakes his head. “No, it’s all right.”

“Then, why don’t we just stay by the shore and not go too far?”

Shinji asks him with genuine interest, “Why do you want me to be in the ocean?”

“I want to be with you,” he says. As if it’s the simplest thing in the world. And fortunately, in this one, it is.

Shinji’s heart patters.

“All right,” he agrees.

He stands and walks cautiously into the water. It’s so clear that he can see the white sands beneath. He walks until the water is level with his knees, then stomach. Kaworu looks visibly happier. He sinks enough from where he was to swim his way over, and extends his hand to Shinji, who clasps it softly. He skims the surface of the water with his other hand as Kaworu guides him, wordlessly, into the borders of the sea.

They reach the shallows, where the water is just below Shinji’s elbows, and Shinji floats into Kaworu’s space. Kaworu welcomes him with a soft smile, holding both of Shinji’s hands now. His hands are cool where Shinji’s are warm. He tells him as much.

“Sorry, Shinji,” he says, but neither of them let go.

Shinji’s shirt blows in the wind. He flexes his feet in the sand and looks out at the horizon, where the sky meets the tide.

Though there is a hole in Shinji’s heart where his youth was so painfully lonely, he finds it closing. With each moment he spends with his dearest friend,, comforted by his presence, his safe haven, he sees a life worth living. A life he wants to clutch onto and never let go of. Kaworu, already steeped in love, has found the one his heart always yearned for. He is wholeheartedly, serenely happy.

Shinji thinks about it, caught so intense by a thought that it slips from him. He loves the feeling of Kaworu’s hand holding his. He loves Kaworu’s boundless wonder and inspiration. He loves Kaworu, and yes, he already knew it, but it still knocks the breath out of him.

“Kaworu?,” he says softly, shyly. “Can I --...can I kiss you?”

Usually he wouldn’t have been so bold. But Kaworu is holding him, and the smell of the ocean is in the air, and past the shore the grass is swaying in the wind. Kaworu is so beautiful, too, when he sways.

Kaworu is breathless when he says yes.

Shinji calms his nerves enough to touch Kaworu’s jaw, and then kisses him. It’s chaste and it’s tantalizing and it makes Shinji weak. Because Kaworu kisses him so _awfully_ gentle that it hurts to breathe, fingers light on his skin, like Shinji is something he needs to be incredibly careful with. He indulges himself and touches Kaworu’s starlight-soft hair. Kaworu tilts Shinji’s chin up softly and Shinji is lost forever.

“I love you,” Kaworu whispers when Shinji pulls away.

He recognizes that face of awe, pure adoration. It’s how he looked at the moon the night they met.

“--more than anything.” Kaworu murmurs on, “You’re beautiful. I’ve always loved you.”

Shinji could tell him forever; endlessly.

“I love you,” he says, and watches Kaworu’s eyes widen.

Being so loved like this, it breathes life into him. Though all the history, all the death, loss, and tragedy has been lost to the cosmic ages, the echo resounds. But it isn’t fate alone. In any lifetime, Shinji would choose him, every time, and Kaworu would carve a path into the world with his bare hands if it meant seeing Shinji just one more time.

He holds Kaworu in the shallows of the ocean, and there is nothing more timeless.

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize if anything is incorrect related to the canon story, i haven't watched nge in a while and i still havent fully understood the entire complex story. and...i know its 2020 and maybe these 2 are kind of old news, but i really love and miss them. i hope they're all right. im not sure if i'll ever be able to write a fic that doesnt have a song lyric as the title.  
> oh and if you took the time to read this, thank you


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